E-mail us your scientific joke at: jokes@regon-inc.com [updated weekly].

Scientific Jokes

(look at the top-10 of all times)

Top-Joke of All Times:

Top-10 Jokes of All Times:

J GENETICS: What skills would have the hybrid of pitbul and sanbernar? – First will cut-of your leg and then will care you to the hospital.

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J In The UNIVERSITY:  During the Dean visits in a department he sees a postdoc fellow to shovel the outside park with a shovel

– “What are you doing?” –  asks he.  

– “Don’t you see – I’m shoveling? As a beginner I started only with bringing the shoes to my boss.

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J From the daily FBI Audio Archives in a U.S. National Laboratory:  In the cabinet of the Department head a post-doc asks:     

– “Sir, would you mine to endorse my attendance to the Nederland Genomics Conference were I was invited to report my new invention?”

– “I am very sorry, dear, we are very limited in funding travel expenses for the postdoctoral fellows and I am afraid we already overspend our

     limits for this year.”

– “O, I am sorry, sir, I forgot to mention – after reviewing my abstract, the conference comity already offered to cover my entire expenses.”

– “How nice…, but do you know, what? This still does not solve YOUR PROBLEM, because WE THINK, such a junior fellow is not an enough-respectable figure to represents to an important international event a so-well-respected Organization as OURS. I am really so sorry”.

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J Two neurobiologists share their successes in recent gene-transfer experiments improving memory skills in rats:

– ‘”My rats are getting so smart - after being released free, they just push the button to open their cages when coming back!”

– “O, dear, my rats does not need to do that – they have their own keys!”

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J NEUROLOGY: During the meeting with his boss a postdoc reports the result of resent gene-transfer experiment on the experimental dog:

– ‘”I thing this dog is getting lazy.”

– “How did you came to this conclusion?”

– “Well, before, when it wanted to get an outside-walk it used to bring me it’s leads. Now it comes with my car key. 

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J A School lesson:

       - "Mom, today at school one kid called me "Horst"!

       - "And what did you do?"

       - "Gave him a kick!"

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J Another practical life lesson: Old Indian advises his son:

       - "And remember, son: if a white woman tells you "Do with me whatever you want!", don't rush to take her scalp!"

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J Archeological: 

     News from an archeological journal - "After archeological digging in the mountain the Second archeological expedition of the

     Academy of Sciences found the remainings of the First one.

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J The Logic of the Law:

      A prisoner is thinking:

      "Strange thing is this... Law! I stole one bread and they jailed me; and now what? - every day they are giving me one bread

      free!?"

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J Sociological: 

     According to the results from some sociological investigations, 53% of the women between 16 and 29 years of age at least

 once a day think about sex. Interestingly, the results from the male auditorium demonstrated the same numbers - about 53%

of the men's day is obsessed with thinking about sex with woman of age from 16 to 29.

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Behavioral Science

J One dog is watching with amassment another dog to shovel in the laboratory garden. With a shovel! 

      - "What are you doing?"

      - "Well - now I'm SHOVELING! And all - because I'm so smart! Ya-a-h, there was a time when I started just with bringing the shoes to the

         professor!" 

J Two professors are outscoring their experimental results:

      - "Now my dog is so smart - when coming home it ring the belt by itself!"

      - "O, my dog does not need to do that! It has his own key!"

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J Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian Scientist does an experiment. He wants to know how fast a thermometer can fall down. He 

takes a thermometer and a candle light. He drops both from the 3rd floor and recognizes that they are reaching the ground at the 

same time. Ivan Ivanovich, the great Russian scientific writes in his notebook: A thermometer falls with the speed of light.

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Physics:

Chemistry:

J Q: What kinds of ghosts haunt chemistry faculties?

     A: Mentholated Spirits....

J In the hospital a new patient just arrived - all scratched out. The emergency room doctor asks hum:

     - No, a typo in the chemistry book!

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Biology:

Q:  How many company biotechnologists does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Four; one to write the proposal, one to design the bulb-changer, one to design the bulb-fetcher, and one to design the bulb.

Q:  How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

A:  Only one, but it takes eight million years.

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Earth:

Q:  What is the difference between a geologist and a chemist?

A:  A chemist will drink anything that is distilled.  A geologist will drink anything that is fermented....

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Mathematics:

 Top 10 excuses by a math student for not doing homework

  · I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

  · Isaac Newton's birthday.

  · I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.

  · I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.

  · I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.

  · I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

  · I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

  · I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

  · I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee.
  · I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

  · I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

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 DENTAL Jokes:

J Dentist to the patient: - For removing your tooth you have to pay $ 800.

       - "How come! In your price-list is shown only $ 200?"

       - "Yah, but with your yelling three of the patients in my waiting room already left"!

J Yang lady is entering the cabinet.

       - "Take off your cloth"! - says the doctor.

       - "No Way"? - lady is amazed - "I have ear pain"!

       - "I that case you are not case for me! I am a dentist".

J - "Doc, you are not going to remove my tooth, isn't it? Please tell me something optimistic!"

     - "Ok, let me put it this way: Your tooth is in such a condition, that if I can fix it, I am going to become famous worldwide"!

J After detailed examination the dentist tells the patient:

     - "Sorry, but these teeth has to be removed and replaced by a bridge... In your case this is genetical... "

     - " Then send the bill to my father"!

J Once somebody asked the dentist:

     - "What means to have a healthy teeth"?

     - "Every day the pain to be in a different tooth!"

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MEDICAL Jokes:

J  Between two doctors:

       - Why you are asking your patients what brand of whiskey they drink? Is this somehow related to the diagnose?

       - No, but is related to the charge I am going post on them!

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Criminal:

J Behind the bar two bankers are talking:

      - "I understand why the burglar took the money and jewelry from the safe. But I do not understand why he took also the director's wife!?"

      - "You don't? To make the director not to look for him!"

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Student Jokes:

J A student left the Faculty of Physics and moved to study theology. Once, by habit, it fell asleep during a lecture. The father came to him and asks him: -"And now, my son, tell me: What is the Lords Power?"

The student got stressed up: -"Lord's mass multiplied by Lord's acceleration!"

J Philosophy students are talking:

- "What are we going to do?"

- "Lets flip-up a coin. If fells down this side - we'll buy bier, if fells down this side - we'll buy vodka, if stays in the air - we'll study.

They flipped-up the coin and... it stood in the air!

- "Idiots physicists!... Upstairs they are experimenting again!"

J Students' conversation: -" Do you know, that our professor is talking to himself?"

- "So does the ours!. But he does not realize it. He thinks, we are listening!"

J A prospering businessman is presenting a lecture in front of the students of economics. At the end, he is asking:

- "Do you have any questions!"

After a short pause, e lady's voice is asking: - "Are you married?"

J In the conservatory hallway two professors are walking and talking energetically. Suddenly, a student is running by and slightly pushes one of the professors. The professor:

- "Stop, young man! Where do you thing you are!? This is a Temple of Art!"

The student's face is getting red, he apologizes and moves away slowly. The professor continues his conversation:

- "And, I am telling you, first I am grabbing her butt, and....

J Student is walking on the street. In front of him he meets a professor who just recently gave him a "D".

The student: "Hi"

The professor: "I don't talk to idiots!"

The student: - "Sorry, - I do!"

J On the exam the professor asks: - "What is your name?"

- "John Johnson"

- "Why you are so happy , John?"

- "I already answered one of your questions, sir!" 

J On anatomy exam the professor is asking a student:

- "Which human organ is a symbol of Love?"

- "In the male or in the female?" - asks the student.

- "Lord, in my times this was simply the Hard!"

J Chemistry exam in front of a professor famous for his sarcastic tong. The student is with very limited knowledge. The professor:

- "It's Ok. Don't worry! One may lack chemistry knowledge completely and sill be a good person!"

- "And on opposite!" - tells the student.

J The student is trying to make it up to the professor"

- "I think, I do not deserved "D"...

- "I know, young man, but there is no lower grade!"

J The very specific characteristics of the student's memory: "I didn't know..., but I remembered!..."

J In the university young assistant asks a female-student:

- "What means the letter "V" on you T-shirt? May be your name? Victoria, Valentine, Valeria...!"

- "No, "V" means "Virgin", but I have to tell you, this is a very, very old T-shirt..."

J Why the students so often are giving birth of children with birth anomalies?

- Because: First 3 months the embryo is thinking if mom is going to have an abortion; next 3 months it thinks is dad is going to marry mom; and the last 3 months thinks how they all are going to survive on only two scholarships!

J A student is visiting the doctor's cabinet and complains:

- "From four days I have not visited the bathroom, something is wrong! Doc, help me!.

The doctor checks him precisely, then takes out of his pocket 10 dollars and gives them to the student with the words:

- "Please, buy yourself something to eat!"

J Candidate-student is taking an entry exam in theater skills. The professor are asking him to improvise an etude imitating elephant.

The student is making and ugly face, takes his pockets out of his pens and asks -"Should I show the trunk?".

J Two students are in the campus bus. The bus stops on a station. One student says: 

- "Do you see that girl? She is looking at me and smiles!"

- "Sure, when I so you for the first time I laugh all week!" - says the other.

J A student add: "Five male students are looking for an apartment for rent in the campus. Could be with a female room-made."

J A test is in effect - on which the students has to pick one of only two answers. One student is flipping a coin and writes down. The professor is thinking: "This one is going to finish the test first!" But, the time is running out and that one still continues to flip the coin. The professor is running out of patience and asks him: 

- " What happens? Didn't you answer already?"

- "Yah!"

- "Then, what are you doing!?"

- "Checking the answer!" - replies the student.

J On the exam student takes out 3 bottles of scotch and places them on the professors bench with the words:    

- "Three bottles for a "C"!

- "I will take two" - takes them the professor.

J Between two friends:

- "Do you know who is Sigmund Freud?"

- "No".

- "How about Abraham Lincoln?"

- "No".

- "Well, he is the guy who is visiting your wife while you are getting intellectual knowledge elsewhere!"

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J Murphy's Seven Original Laws:

   1. In any field of scientific endeavor, anything that can go wrong, will go wrong.

   2. Left to themselves, things always to from bad to worse.

   3. If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will go wrong, is the one that will do the most damage.

   4. Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

   5. Mother Nature is a bitch.

   6. If everything seems to be going well, you obviously overlooked something.

J Levy's Seven Laws of the Disillusionment of the True Liberal  — Marion J. Levy, Jr.

   1. Large numbers of things are determined, and therefore not subject to change.

   2. Anticipated events never live up to expectations.

   3. That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as a liberal inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow minded and bigoted segments of the community.          (Marion Stanley Kelly, Jr.'s Reformulation: Last guys don't finish nice.)

   4. Always pray that your opposition be wicked. In wickedness there is a strong strain toward rationality. Therefore, there is always the possibility, in theory, of